Dynamics of Marriage and Family

Dynamics of Marriage and Family 3(3+0)

Lesson 27 : Divorce

For Children

According to Wallerstein and Kelly (l980b), children experience divorce as a three-stage process:

1. Initial Stage: The initial stage, following the decision to separate, is extremely stressful; conflict escalates and unhappiness is endemic. The children's aggressive responses are exaggerated by the parents' inability to cope because of the crisis in their own lives.
2. Transition Stage: The transition stage begins about a year after the separation, when the extreme emotional responses of the children have diminished or disap­peared. This period is characterized by restructuring of the family and by econom­ic and social changes which includes living with only one parent and visiting the other, moving, making new friends and losing old ones, financial stress, and so on.
3. Re-stabilization Stage: Finally the re-stabilization stage, which the families reach by the end of five years. Economic and social changes get incorporat­ed into daily living. The postdivorce family, usually a single-parent or stepfamily, gets stabilized.

Children’s response to divorce:
The most significant factor affecting children's responses to the separation or divorce is their age. Younger and older children respond differently to divorce, mainly in the way in which they express-or do not express-their feelings.

1. Younger children: Younger children react to the initial news of a parental breakup in many different ways. Feelings range from guilt to anger and from sorrow to relief, often vacillating among all of these. Very young children tend to have more temper tantrums. Preschool children often blame themselves feeling that they drove their parents apart by being naughty or messy. They beg their parents to stay, promising to be better. Children of school age may blame one parent and direct their anger toward him or her, believing the other one innocent. Preadolescent children, who seem to experi­ence a deep sadness and anxiety about the future, are usually the most upset. Some may go back to immature behavior, wetting their beds or becoming excessively pos­sessive. Problems seem to be compounded when there are children of various ages.

Young children need a competent and loving parent to take care of them. They tend to do poorly when a parenting adult becomes enmeshed in constant turmoil, depression and worry. The presence of elder brothers and sisters helps a lot as the children have others to play with and rely on in addition to the Single parent. If they have good friends or do well in school, this contributes to their self-esteem. Regardless of the child's age, it is important that the absent parent continue to play a role in his or her life. The children need to know that they have not been abandoned and that the absent parent still cares.





2. Adolescents: Family life before separation seems to affect how adolescents respond to their parent's divorce. Adolescents tend to protect themselves from the conflict preceding separation by distancing themselves. Although they usually experience immense turmoil within, they may outwardly appear cool and detached. Unlike younger children, they rarely blame themselves. Rather, they are likely to be angry with both parents, blaming them for upsetting their lives.